My Beloved Tobias

Toby wandered into my life in the fall of 1994. All the vet could tell me in 1994 was that there was nothing kitten left about him, so he was well over 1 - making him at least 13-15 years old, possibly even older.

Toby has comforted me through many a tear-filled night dealing with one heartbreak or another. I describe him as a "cranky old man" because he will fuss at you, swish all over you when you LEAST want to be furry, and will allow himself to be petted but on HIS terms. Keep the food and water bowls full, leave him space on the carpet in the sunbeams, and he's happy. But we understand each other - I feel quite adept at Toby-language and have had fun teaching Katie, too.

This morning, Katie and I came downstairs for breakfast and after awhile I realized he was missing. We called him a couple of times and we could hear him meowing. Katie searched upstairs and I checked the basement. I found him way back in the corner of the laundry room, hiding behind the sump pump. He meowed a couple more times. Poor guy was covered in dust bunnies and was panting. I thought maybe he was stuck and started to reach for him when he pulled himself out and kind of half-walked half-crawled across the concrete floor to Katie's playroom and stopped. He was kind of laying down but still on all four feet, if that makes sense - close to the "sphynx" pose. Suddenly he twitched and fell over on his side. Katie started to panic that he was dying and frankly, so was I. I stroked his fur and called his name softly a couple of times, and told him how much I love him. He came back around. I carried him upstairs and sat in the recliner with him in my arms. He was very quiet - normally would be struggling to get away :) His fur felt awful - not just dusty, but lusterless. I wondered how long he had been down on the cold floor, kitty-instincts to find a cool, quiet place. I thanked him for years of love and how very special he is.

He seemed to start wanting down, so I set him on the floor. He crawled a little bit, laid back down, then had another seizure. He looked dead. I shook him a bit and he came back again. By now Katie and I were both dressed so we put him in the carrier - he still had plenty of strength to fight that - and took him to the emergency vet.

They're running tests on him now and keeping him under observation, but they suspect there is something in his brain. I was given several forms including whether or not they should take emergency measures to resuscitate him. I had to sit down and think about that one a lot. He's given me years of love and comfort. He's elderly - his age in people years would be late 70s or more. If there is a mass in his brain, do I really want his last years to be full of suffering? I had to say no, and signed the line that says do not resuscitate. They're going to keep him today and call me in a few hours with the results of the blood tests.

Meanwhile I sit and remember some precious moments with this beautiful little cat. He seems to instinctively know when I need him most. Like shortly after I learned I was pregnant, he started sleeping on my tummy whenever I was reclined - he'd never done that before and only once since, when my ankle was broken. Katie and I bought his favorite treats yesterday and a toy so he and Sean could play while we're gone next week. He was jumping around after the feathers last night and wolfed down his kitty-treats with gusto.

I hope he gets to come home tomorrow but if not, he has already given me so much.
I love you Toby. Be at peace.